Why must something good happen after every possible bad thing happens before that? My life seems like hell these days. I mean people would think I was happy, my mom and I are getting along, I got my internet back, and I even got a cell phone, but thats the end to my perfect seeming life these days.
I walk around trying not to cry because every moment of the day I just wanna kick something or scream so loud it hurts or cry until I fall asleep, well I do that one but I want to do it in the middle of the day and that I can not do. I paste a fake smile on my face all day and Kiernan knows I'm faking it but I just don't want to cry right now. I told Brennan I think I fell out of love with him. And I mean before I said it to him I thought i have every right to tell him this, he didn't love me when I first loved him so this is just how the cosmos worked. but then I told him and I cried and he was shaking and he was trying not to look upset but he did such a bad job of it and I just couldn't take it. I wanted to make it better and he was just so mad and once I said it I felt like I should take it back not because I felt bad but I felt like I was telling him a lie and maybe it was a lie and I was just so caught up in everything and was listening to my mother for once and how she hates him but I just wanted to take it back. then I kept telling him I wasn't sure and he just kept breathing and tried to stop shaking but it wasn't working, th chair he was in was shaking it was so bad. I just kept telling him I wasn't sure so now I have time to decide whether or not I'm gonna stay with him, I mean after 2 years what do I do? I just don't feel that ache in my stomach anymore when he's not around, I don't feel like I can't live without him anymore and that scares me so much and I think maybe that means I don't love him or I love him less and If i keep telling him I love him when I'm not sure then I'm lying to him and I hate doing that. he figured something was up but I kept telling him it was just school and then I felt even worse because I was lying to him, again, and I hated myself for it. But now that ache is in my stomach is back and I don't know what it means now and I just wanna cry and kick something and I kinda wanna kick him for making me so confused but he's mad enough so that would be bad.

It gets worse. Then my best guy friend I think sorta asked me out on a date and I said yes. Well I was at school yesterday and Tyson, my other guy friend said he'd take me to the movies this weekend to get out of the house and all that. So we were talking and I asked him if he wanted to go friday and he said he was busy but we could go saturday. So Josh came up and heard and said "Lizzie you wanna go to the movies with me on friday?" I just thought about it then said yes. Bad part, I hear he may have a crush on me and he has a girlfriend. but maybe their wrong and I'm just thinking too much and its a friends thing, I hope.

And even more yes I suck i know. So this new cute guy at the mall was working and he was just too hot for words and so I started flirting and then he asked me out and I said yes, bad thing, I'm not even sure if I wanna break up with Brennan yet AND! I'm supposed to go to the movies w/ Josh at the exact same time. IDK what to do! Why is life like this?!

"wherever you go I will be waiting/whenever you call I will be there"

So my mother is deciding to have one of her famous bitch weeks. All week all I've heard is how I broke up her perfect marriage and how if she had the choice she would never have had me, and what am I supposed to do, just sit there and take it? if I say anything I'll get in trouble, and if I don't then I just feel sick inside. Latelt I've just been getting more and more upset and my mother says I keep breaking down randomly because I'm depressed. One, I don't believe I'm depressed, I'm mad that my mother is being mean to me, but I'm not depressed. And two, I don't cry randomly, I cry after she starts throwing around comments. Like the other day she made me this random doctor's appointment to get me tested, when the first and last time, till I decide, which will be a very long time from now, I have ever done it was in january so now she finds it fit to get me tested and because I've gained a little weight, no more then 5 lbs, she finds it the need to say I'm pregenant. then she said "Have fun telling your boyfriend there how when you cheated on him you might have gotten a little more then you wanted." I made a mistake, and Brennan forgave me, no ifs ands or buts about it, he just made sure I was okay and now my mother is freaking me out and stressing me out, ad finals are coming up and Idk what to do. I mean I don't think I am but I don't know if I could tell Brennan. And my mother said If I don't get rid of it I'm kicked out, and Aaron, if pregnant the so called father, him taking me in would be the last thing on his list of doing. his life's goal is to make my life hell, after he kicks the homeless and spits on kindergarteners. I'm freaking out and there is probably nothing to worry about but just my mother mentioning me having to tell Brennan something like that, if I had to tell Brennan just exactly how much I messed up it would kill me. I mean when I was worried for half a second because I was a little late in Febuary, he said he'd take care of me but once I was pretty sure I wasn't he said he was relieved because he didn't know how easy it would be knowing I had someone else's baby. I'm just worrying for no reason but still.

Thats it for my ramble. bye.

So things have been okay lately. I didn't get shipped to ohio, though the day after I was supposed to be leaving our house got broken into and I finally now just got a new laptop and now can post more so sorry for the huge time gap. Anyways so things have been pretty boring lately, Me and my mother are getting into fights once a day as usual, school is boring as usual. New thing! Brennan's birthday was yesterday, he said it was nice I wish I could have spent it with him but I imed him and wished him a happy birthday and talked to him about pretty much nothing. But I really miss him and well again what else is new lol.

So My best guy friend, Josh just broke up w/ his girlfriend and everyone thinks he did it because he wants to ask me out and I swear that is not the reason but I'm avoiding him anyways. I mean Brennan is kinda jelous of this guy and next week Me and Josh start our lifegaurd classes together and I haven't told Brennan yet but he'll proboblay flip once he hears. But thats my life I'll go deal with it love ya all Mwah

Lizzie

     So lots has happened lately, enough to make me get a new lj, Make a mental note, never ever tell your Boyfriend your password to your e-mail and then have him e-mail all your passwords to everything to himself then change every password you have, yeah I that really did happen. So here's my new journal and if someone wants to Jazz it up for me like oh idk *cough* Kim *cough* I'd love you forever! anyways Love you all Kay! 

The One the only
Lizzie!